How to mend your heart

Oh God, the biggest cliché of all. Over the past few months I've read a hundred articles about dealing with loss, change and people leaving. These are the things that so far have proven useful:

1. Feel all the things. Don't hold back. If you need to cry every day for five weeks, do it. Get it out your system and acknowledge everything that's going on in your mind. You owe it to yourself to be honest (especially if he wasn't honest with you.)

2. Eat what you want, do what you want. Fuck it. Your life and your body belong to you. And you can spend your time doing whatever YOU choose to do. If you want to stay in bed for three days, do it. If you want to drink gin every day, do it. If you want to listen to Beyoncé and dance around in your pants, do it. There are no rules. This evening I drank champagne and ate a scone slathered in cream and jam, just because I bloody well could.

3. Try to brush your hair, wash your face and brush your teeth every day. This step is much trickier than it sounds... I'm genuinely sorry for anyone who was within view of me December through to February. I hummed.

4. Find other reasons to get up in the morning. I literally used to message or call my ex first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It was how I framed my days for the last six years, and obviously when that initially vanished I was terrified. Now I try and meditate early in the day to ground myself. It doesn't always work, but it's good to try. If you're at rock bottom the only way is up. I haven't quite mastered the art of switching off in the evenings yet, but I'm getting there. In the mean time 3am can be for writing, planning adventures and watching crap TV. Who needs sleep anyway?

5. Sleep.You need the downtime without that anxious chatter in your brain to recover and feel strong again. Even if that means you need to have a nap every day when you get home from work, do it.

6. Explore. On the days when you're feeling brave enough, go on adventures. Visit the seaside. Go to your happy place. I've been following my spontaneity which has so far resulted in trips booked to Berlin, Bali and Brighton and who knows where beyond... I'm trying to let my instincts guide me which is fun.

7. Be yourself. Do things that remind you of the person you were before you met the arse who broke your heart. For me that means writing and creating stuff. You suddenly realise when you find yourself coming out of a relationship how much you bent and changed to be with the other person. Only in subtle ways perhaps, but undoubtedly so. I'm fully embracing every inch of me. And I bloody love it.

8. Run. Move. Swim. Do something physical to channel all that hate and anger that fills every inch of your body. It's like fire in your belly, and if you don't burn it out it'll only grow and manifest in ugly ways.

9. Let other people in. Especially your Mum. Let her look after you. You're feeling vulnerable and you need someone to remind you to leave the house, or just hold you until it hurts less. My Mum has text or called me every day for the last three months to tell me she loves me and to reassure me. Through being alone I've found the capacity to let other people closer into my life. It's no exaggeration to say that my friends and family have been my lifeline. I've put more energy into those relationships and in return I've had a lot of laughs, delicious food and bottomless glasses of wine. And spooning your best friend is just as good (if not better) than spooning your boyfriend.

10. Meditate. Breathe. Just be. You'll be spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and day dreaming about the future you'll no longer have together that you've spent years dreaming up. So it's important to remember to be truly present and acknowledge what's currently physically happening around you.

11. Write him letters: Angry letters. Sad letters smudged with tears. Hopeful letters dreaming of the better days. Tell him what for, in the hope that it will make him feel bad about the dumb choices he made. Say all you need to say and then keep them. I wrote about 30 letters and only sent one —the best one— where I felt valid, and said all I needed to say and nothing more. It doesn't matter that he won't read them. But it will help you feel heard and get those ideas out of your head and onto paper. You'll need that brain space for doing really cool independent lady things very soon.

Hello March

Apologies. I've already fallen off the blogging bandwagon in attempting to write on here weekly, but I've felt pretty uninspired, and we all know how all-consuming work can be sometimes. This week my aim is to work on that balance a little more and spend some time with friends in Nottingham. Oh I do bloody love that place. 

This is the month where things get exciting... 

In thirty days I will be flying to Bali. Flippin 'eck. When I planned the trip four months ago I was feeling pretty shite. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was really bad. But I'm getting there. There seems to be a lot to be grateful for and look forward to this month. 

I'm also going to see Matt Corby, The Correspondents and Natalie Merchant in the space of a week. One of my close friends is about to give birth, and the other has her hen do later on this month! I won't have time to feel sad about being dumped because I'll be too busy having fun, and to be honest it's the best thing for it.

Admitting defeat

It's not easy for me to say. I'm a perfectionist and I really don't like letting people down. This horrible guilt sits on my chest, the pressure to be perfect comes from within and no one in my life expects more of me than I do.

With all the craziness going on in my life over the last three months I've not been able to run as much as I needed to prepare for the Brighton half marathon. So... I've had to postpone my place until next year. Totally gutted. A month ago I told myself I wouldn't let it stop me, and that if I gave up on this then I'd give up on other things and this year would be full of closed opportunities. But that's not what it's about. It's about understanding my mental health, and accepting that sometimes it is totally debilitating.

All the donations made so far will carry over to next year, so all is not lost. I wish my head had been in a different space and that I'd felt well enough to run but it's felt totally out of my control up until very recently when I've been able to be more pro-active about addressing the current problems in my life. I wish I'd felt well enough to run, but that's not the case and I can't beat myself up about it. Leaving the house has been hard enough, let alone running 10K+ each week. And that's okay. If I had a physical injury I wouldn't be so hard on myself about pulling out, sure I'd be disappointed but I wouldn't berate myself or worry what people think of me. 

If you've sponsored me so far, thank you so much. I appreciate your encouragement and as soon as I'm able to run another event for them I will, and the money already raised will still go directly to Scope.

Storm Imogen

Finally something with my name on it! When I was growing up I was desperate to find pens, mugs, headbands, literally anything with my name on it. To my utter delight I found out this evening that storm Imogen was set to bring a turbulent start to the week. Damn straight.

Quite recently the grief over my six year relationship ending has morphed into anger, and it's... interesting.

It's new to me. Now that my teenage years are behind me, I can't really say I'm ever angry. I just don't  feel things in that way. I become impassioned, sure, but never angry. But now that I'm done crying I'm filled with this unquenchable rage. It feels like someone has lit a fire in my belly that can't be doused. I wake up in the morning and feel it rise in me. Hot, sharp, uncontrollable anger. The kind where an angry little voice inside my head shouts obscenities and chips away at my sanity.

I've been trying to find a better outlet for it (better than pizza and gin), so if you have any suggestions send them my way. In the mean time I'm going to try channel some of this negative energy in the gym this week, and write more. Angry haiku's anyone?

I should have punched you
hard in the bollocks when I
still had the chance to.

Fuck you. You're a dick.
I wish you'd just say sorry
and read my letter.

I deserve someone
who wants me more than they want
protein shakes and weights.

A favourite moment:
It snowed, I threw a snowball.
Caught you in the nuts.

The words that shaped me

I've always grown up around books. Dusty. Old. New. First editions. Shelves of them. Piles. Library lends. Dogeared. Re-read. Half-finished. Out of print. Banned. Gifted. Borrowed from friends.

It's no secret, I love books.

And each book you read shapes you. It leaves a little dent in your mind that says, 'I was here, remember me.'

The words I've read have changed me, for better or worse, opened up a little part of me I never knew existed. Taught me how to be, and how not to be. The differences between people.

So I thought I'd share with you the books that up until this point have left a mark on me. Obviously this will change over the years, but here, now, these are the books I have loved and let move me:

The one that taught me how to love: I Heard God Laughing - Hafiz 

The one that changed my mind about my mind: The Happiness Trap - Russ Harris

The one that made me feel a little less alone: Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë

The one that reminded me that limitation is all in the mind: Born to Run - Christopher McDougall

The one that helped me appreciate my sister: Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

The one that bit me with the travel bug: Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Which books have left a little mark on you?

Headspace

I'm a thinker. I have an anxious, thoughtful mind that doesn't often let me switch off. In some respects it's great; I have a vivid imagination and can easily spend time by myself conjuring up ideas. However when things are bad in can be exhausting. I find it hard to switch off, to sleep solidly, to let me mind rest. And entirely impossible to just be.

I work in a colourful and vibrant environment, surrounded by people and chatter. There's never a dull moment and I enjoy the pace, but when I get home, the noise from work often follows me.

There are a few things I've found that help to settle 'the noise', Headspace being one of them.

Headspace is a brilliant little resource containing audio sessions to help you take time to meditate and be mindful in a busy world where wellness is often put on the back burner. The app itself is free on iTunes and gives you access to a free trial called 'Take 10', which is essentially the foundation of mindfulness. You can repeat the 'Take 10' series as much as you like, and if you want to sign up for a full subscription you can. In the past when I've been anxious I've used the 'Take 10' sessions to help calm myself down, but over Christmas I decided to download the full paid subscription, and try and incorporate it into my daily routine, with the aim of allowing myself that time and space to slow down.

The yearly subscription costs £4.99/month, so about £60. I've read reviews where people say otherwise, but I think that's pretty reasonable. The way I see it, people spend money fuelling their problems (gin, ice-cream, new gadgets... the list goes on) and I've been 100% guilty of spending money in the past as a way of distraction. Rather than spending money trying to distract myself from the discomfort in my head, if I invest in learning about being more mindful, hopefully it will help me access the route of my problems, and in turn help me feel happier and calmer.

I'm on day 29 and so far, so good. I'll update you further down the line, but even already I've noticed a massive improvement in just being more aware of how I'm feeling, and trying to keep focussed on what's right in front of me.

I'd love to hear if you've ever used Headspace or any other mindfulness apps in the comments below.

Little chinks of light

The more I travel from place to place, looking for ways to heal this hurt, the more I realize I will carry this feeling around for a while. My brain will find reasons to be sad. I'm depressive. That's what my brain does. When it's dark I need to look for the little chinks of light.

Calm - Michael Acton Smith

I've been using the 'Calm' structure to help be more reflective about my days & more appreciative of all the good in my life. It goes something like this: 

What made you feel calm today? 

Listening to Dan Auerbach on the train this morning.

What are you grateful for today? 

Friends. I'm blessed to have people in my life who care about me even when I'm a bit rubbish at making plans and keeping them, or simply keeping in touch. 

Three highlights of today: 

1. This cup of earl grey tea.

2. Having breakfast with one of my most favourite people. 

3. Spending an evening with the best kind of people. Laughter, Martini & home cooked food. I'm a lucky girl.

What helps you feel calm?