How to mend your heart

Oh God, the biggest cliché of all. Over the past few months I've read a hundred articles about dealing with loss, change and people leaving. These are the things that so far have proven useful:

1. Feel all the things. Don't hold back. If you need to cry every day for five weeks, do it. Get it out your system and acknowledge everything that's going on in your mind. You owe it to yourself to be honest (especially if he wasn't honest with you.)

2. Eat what you want, do what you want. Fuck it. Your life and your body belong to you. And you can spend your time doing whatever YOU choose to do. If you want to stay in bed for three days, do it. If you want to drink gin every day, do it. If you want to listen to Beyoncé and dance around in your pants, do it. There are no rules. This evening I drank champagne and ate a scone slathered in cream and jam, just because I bloody well could.

3. Try to brush your hair, wash your face and brush your teeth every day. This step is much trickier than it sounds... I'm genuinely sorry for anyone who was within view of me December through to February. I hummed.

4. Find other reasons to get up in the morning. I literally used to message or call my ex first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It was how I framed my days for the last six years, and obviously when that initially vanished I was terrified. Now I try and meditate early in the day to ground myself. It doesn't always work, but it's good to try. If you're at rock bottom the only way is up. I haven't quite mastered the art of switching off in the evenings yet, but I'm getting there. In the mean time 3am can be for writing, planning adventures and watching crap TV. Who needs sleep anyway?

5. Sleep.You need the downtime without that anxious chatter in your brain to recover and feel strong again. Even if that means you need to have a nap every day when you get home from work, do it.

6. Explore. On the days when you're feeling brave enough, go on adventures. Visit the seaside. Go to your happy place. I've been following my spontaneity which has so far resulted in trips booked to Berlin, Bali and Brighton and who knows where beyond... I'm trying to let my instincts guide me which is fun.

7. Be yourself. Do things that remind you of the person you were before you met the arse who broke your heart. For me that means writing and creating stuff. You suddenly realise when you find yourself coming out of a relationship how much you bent and changed to be with the other person. Only in subtle ways perhaps, but undoubtedly so. I'm fully embracing every inch of me. And I bloody love it.

8. Run. Move. Swim. Do something physical to channel all that hate and anger that fills every inch of your body. It's like fire in your belly, and if you don't burn it out it'll only grow and manifest in ugly ways.

9. Let other people in. Especially your Mum. Let her look after you. You're feeling vulnerable and you need someone to remind you to leave the house, or just hold you until it hurts less. My Mum has text or called me every day for the last three months to tell me she loves me and to reassure me. Through being alone I've found the capacity to let other people closer into my life. It's no exaggeration to say that my friends and family have been my lifeline. I've put more energy into those relationships and in return I've had a lot of laughs, delicious food and bottomless glasses of wine. And spooning your best friend is just as good (if not better) than spooning your boyfriend.

10. Meditate. Breathe. Just be. You'll be spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and day dreaming about the future you'll no longer have together that you've spent years dreaming up. So it's important to remember to be truly present and acknowledge what's currently physically happening around you.

11. Write him letters: Angry letters. Sad letters smudged with tears. Hopeful letters dreaming of the better days. Tell him what for, in the hope that it will make him feel bad about the dumb choices he made. Say all you need to say and then keep them. I wrote about 30 letters and only sent one —the best one— where I felt valid, and said all I needed to say and nothing more. It doesn't matter that he won't read them. But it will help you feel heard and get those ideas out of your head and onto paper. You'll need that brain space for doing really cool independent lady things very soon.

For blue skies

Today I went to the beach to clear my mind again. It's amazing how healing the sea can be. I remember in a Rob Bell podcast how he talks about how the salt/water ratio in the sea is similar to that in the womb, and that's why so many people have a sense of affinity with the sea.

2016 is here, unapologetically urging me to make goals and resolutions to be a better me. But as a perfectionist I'm always striving to be a better me. Alas, I still resolve to do this, that and the other on January 1st because I like marking milestones and what better place to start than at the start of the year?

This year will be about mindfulness and self love — something I've always struggled with, but the need for this has become amplified more recently.

2016

Write and meditate in some form or another every single day. These are both activities that make me feel well and keep me on track. In working full time I've made more excuses and written less. Words make me feel like me. Not writing is like a form of self-neglect. I vow to write everyday, because it's important and because I matter. Not everything has been written before (I fucking hate that quote that says it has! It's so uninspiring... ) and my words have great merit, even if only to myself.

Read more than before. 25 books in 2016. Zadie Smith reckons reading is a form of meditation. How often can you sit and read and be fully engrossed in a book and not realise that you've been sat there for hours simply staring at marks of ink on paper, using your imagination to fill in the gaps the author has left for you. It's basically hallucination. More of that please.

Blog weekly. This place will be a testament to that! I'll try my best. Writing in itself is good enough, but writing with some kind of direction requires a bit more effort.

Avoid chocolate/sweets. I did this in 2014 and felt incredible for it. Yes I dreamt of eating Percy Pigs accidentally pretty much weekly until the end of the year, but my skin looked great. And my determination and self control led me to achieve some pretty amazing things (including running a half bloody marathon!)

Run more than before. Last year I clocked up 194 kilometres. This year I'm set on pushing past the 200km mark.

What do you resolve to do with this new page?

Scope training day

This weekend I travelled down to London for a runners training session led by Rhian Martin at Scope HQ. I was pretty nervous, but I knew it'd be a good experience to get some final words of wisdom before the Brighton Half in 27 days (eek!)

Photo courtesy of http://www.run247.com

We covered lots of ground in the four hour session, from nutrition and kit, to a practical including running technique, speed work and stretching tips. We had a chat from a lovely lady from Six Physio  called Emily, who demonstrated how to use a foam roller - which I have since ordered... oh my goodness! Amazing. Who needs a personal masseuse when you've got a foam roller? 

We were also lucky to get a little goodie bag, including a TORQ gel which I'm looking forward to trying on my next run. Rhubarb and Custard flavour - will either be absolutely disgusting or amazing - will let you know.

I didn't meet anyone else doing the Brighton Half, most of the people there were either doing the London or Brighton marathon, but it was great to meet lots of like-minded people, all with different goals, experience and expectations for race day. It made me realise how up in Nottingham I don't really have anyone to talk about running with, or go and run with! I'll definitely rethink joining a running club, and getting out there a bit more. It's given me a massive boost of confidence and although I'm still nervous about Feb 22nd, I feel like I'm definitely doing the right thing. 

This girl can

Cue Missy Elliot. I think this is one of my favourite western female empowerment campaigns I've seen in a while.

When I was growing up I felt like there was always the expectation that sport/fitness was driven to appeal more to boys. I loved running around with my sister, playing games, trying to outrun her & the other girls in our street (although I often fell behind, being the youngest with the littlest legs.) When I reached primary school I played netball but I lost interest in it by the time I was an awkward thirteen year old trying to work out how to survive secondary school. I'd get embarrassed with how red my face went, how awkwardly I moved, how 'unfeminine' I felt & how I so desperately wanted to fit in and make friends. In my head doing exercise and sport made me look ugly and clumsy, rather than strong.

Now I love running. I love being sweaty. I love playing competitive games. I love pushing my body to the limits. I love getting stronger and moving faster. But this was something I only really came to terms with recently. That can be part of my identity, as a woman. It was something that I'd kind of brushed aside, that I wasn't 'sporty' enough. Then I grew up, and I realised it was something I valued and actually enjoyed. It surprised me, but I was glad for the realisation.

This Girl Can is a fucking brilliant campaign. I hope it encourages lots of women and girls to enjoy sport on a much bigger scale.