The words that shaped me

I've always grown up around books. Dusty. Old. New. First editions. Shelves of them. Piles. Library lends. Dogeared. Re-read. Half-finished. Out of print. Banned. Gifted. Borrowed from friends.

It's no secret, I love books.

And each book you read shapes you. It leaves a little dent in your mind that says, 'I was here, remember me.'

The words I've read have changed me, for better or worse, opened up a little part of me I never knew existed. Taught me how to be, and how not to be. The differences between people.

So I thought I'd share with you the books that up until this point have left a mark on me. Obviously this will change over the years, but here, now, these are the books I have loved and let move me:

The one that taught me how to love: I Heard God Laughing - Hafiz 

The one that changed my mind about my mind: The Happiness Trap - Russ Harris

The one that made me feel a little less alone: Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë

The one that reminded me that limitation is all in the mind: Born to Run - Christopher McDougall

The one that helped me appreciate my sister: Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

The one that bit me with the travel bug: Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Which books have left a little mark on you?

Headspace

I'm a thinker. I have an anxious, thoughtful mind that doesn't often let me switch off. In some respects it's great; I have a vivid imagination and can easily spend time by myself conjuring up ideas. However when things are bad in can be exhausting. I find it hard to switch off, to sleep solidly, to let me mind rest. And entirely impossible to just be.

I work in a colourful and vibrant environment, surrounded by people and chatter. There's never a dull moment and I enjoy the pace, but when I get home, the noise from work often follows me.

There are a few things I've found that help to settle 'the noise', Headspace being one of them.

Headspace is a brilliant little resource containing audio sessions to help you take time to meditate and be mindful in a busy world where wellness is often put on the back burner. The app itself is free on iTunes and gives you access to a free trial called 'Take 10', which is essentially the foundation of mindfulness. You can repeat the 'Take 10' series as much as you like, and if you want to sign up for a full subscription you can. In the past when I've been anxious I've used the 'Take 10' sessions to help calm myself down, but over Christmas I decided to download the full paid subscription, and try and incorporate it into my daily routine, with the aim of allowing myself that time and space to slow down.

The yearly subscription costs £4.99/month, so about £60. I've read reviews where people say otherwise, but I think that's pretty reasonable. The way I see it, people spend money fuelling their problems (gin, ice-cream, new gadgets... the list goes on) and I've been 100% guilty of spending money in the past as a way of distraction. Rather than spending money trying to distract myself from the discomfort in my head, if I invest in learning about being more mindful, hopefully it will help me access the route of my problems, and in turn help me feel happier and calmer.

I'm on day 29 and so far, so good. I'll update you further down the line, but even already I've noticed a massive improvement in just being more aware of how I'm feeling, and trying to keep focussed on what's right in front of me.

I'd love to hear if you've ever used Headspace or any other mindfulness apps in the comments below.

Little chinks of light

The more I travel from place to place, looking for ways to heal this hurt, the more I realize I will carry this feeling around for a while. My brain will find reasons to be sad. I'm depressive. That's what my brain does. When it's dark I need to look for the little chinks of light.

Calm - Michael Acton Smith

I've been using the 'Calm' structure to help be more reflective about my days & more appreciative of all the good in my life. It goes something like this: 

What made you feel calm today? 

Listening to Dan Auerbach on the train this morning.

What are you grateful for today? 

Friends. I'm blessed to have people in my life who care about me even when I'm a bit rubbish at making plans and keeping them, or simply keeping in touch. 

Three highlights of today: 

1. This cup of earl grey tea.

2. Having breakfast with one of my most favourite people. 

3. Spending an evening with the best kind of people. Laughter, Martini & home cooked food. I'm a lucky girl.

What helps you feel calm?

Lush Valentines haul 2016

New year. Mental health meltdown. What better way to pick myself up than with a selection of lovely treats from Lush. Yes I work there and get a very generous discount (thank you powers that be) and yes I still manage to spend more money on soap than is probably sane... but it makes me happy! Happiness is about taking time to acknowledge the little things, and sometimes it's easy to forget how lucky I am to work in such a cool place surrounded by so many delicious products made with beautiful fairly traded vegan and veggie ingredients. 

So without further ado, here's what I picked up today. 

Prince Charming Shower Cream 

This came out a couple of years ago as part of the Valentines day range, but this is the first time it's been a cream rather than gel. I'm very excited to try this one out as it smells bloody delicious. It's packed full of fresh pomegranate juice and marshmallow root, so it ends up with a really zingy sweet sort of fragrance which is a good pick me up post-gym or first thing in the morning. 

The Kiss Lip Scrub

Also part of the limited edition Valentines range. The scrub is sweet and salty, almost like the Popcorn lip scrub, but it's a bit fruitier. Totally delicious and great for scrubbing away the wintery skin from your lips.

The Kiss Lip Gloss 

The gloss has the same flavour/fragrance as the scrub but without the saltiness. It's super softening with kalahari melon oil and it also contains guarana seed powder to give your lips a nice natural plump look. I love the fact that they've switched the packaging to a handy tube rather than a little tin,  it makes this product pretty much perfect. 

Lover Lamp Bath Bomb

Oh Lush, I'm a sucker for your terrible puns. I've yet to try this one out in the tub but it's scented with Brazilian orange oil and fair trade vanilla absolute, resulting in something not too dissimilar to chocolate orange. This is probably my least favourite of the collection based purely on the scent, as I'm not a chocolate orange kinda gal, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it softens the skin as it's packed full of extra virgin olive oil, castor oil and cocoa butter. 

Roses All The Way

This soap is brand new this year and it's scented with rose and talc, much like the Rosy Cheeks face mask. It's such a soothing scent and the soap lathers up into a creamy consistency. 

Sadly Unicorn Horn was out of stock (surprise, surprise! Last year it was pretty elusive and hard to get hold of, hopefully this year it'll be available for longer) but I'll be picking one up as soon as I can. 

I think the Valentines and spring products from Lush tend to be my favourite release of the year; lots of sweet florals and fresh scents to lift your spirits. I'm very excited to see what launches for Spring next month. 

**photos courtesy of Lush Digital @ www.lush.co.uk** 

Three kilometres is better than no kilometres

I finally managed to drag myself out the house and go for a run. I am full of flem and totally disgusting but I feel lighter. 

It hasn't been easy. Mostly in the last eight weeks I've simply wanted to curl up in bed and read, and that's basically all I've done since Christmas. I've thought about running every single day. It's been a constant struggle between what I want to do, and what I think I should be doing. 

I signed up for the Brighton half back in October when I was feeling blissfully optimistic. A lot has changed since then. I don't want to run the Brighton half this year, but I need to. If I don't do this, then I know I'll close myself off to other things this year. This year will be a year of yeses, of seizing opportunities and enjoying myself and my body. I don't want to regret anything. And I certainly don't want to spend all my days off in bed feeling sorry for myself. 

Running last year taught me a lot about discipline. Getting up and going for it even when you didn't really want to, pushing on through that last half a kilometre even though my body and mind are exhausted. It's a fine balance between learning to love myself and be kind to myself (and in turn being totally soft on myself) and push myself to work harder or achieve something a bit more difficult. At the moment I struggle with the happy medium. But I'm getting there. One kilometre at a time. 

For blue skies

Today I went to the beach to clear my mind again. It's amazing how healing the sea can be. I remember in a Rob Bell podcast how he talks about how the salt/water ratio in the sea is similar to that in the womb, and that's why so many people have a sense of affinity with the sea.

2016 is here, unapologetically urging me to make goals and resolutions to be a better me. But as a perfectionist I'm always striving to be a better me. Alas, I still resolve to do this, that and the other on January 1st because I like marking milestones and what better place to start than at the start of the year?

This year will be about mindfulness and self love — something I've always struggled with, but the need for this has become amplified more recently.

2016

Write and meditate in some form or another every single day. These are both activities that make me feel well and keep me on track. In working full time I've made more excuses and written less. Words make me feel like me. Not writing is like a form of self-neglect. I vow to write everyday, because it's important and because I matter. Not everything has been written before (I fucking hate that quote that says it has! It's so uninspiring... ) and my words have great merit, even if only to myself.

Read more than before. 25 books in 2016. Zadie Smith reckons reading is a form of meditation. How often can you sit and read and be fully engrossed in a book and not realise that you've been sat there for hours simply staring at marks of ink on paper, using your imagination to fill in the gaps the author has left for you. It's basically hallucination. More of that please.

Blog weekly. This place will be a testament to that! I'll try my best. Writing in itself is good enough, but writing with some kind of direction requires a bit more effort.

Avoid chocolate/sweets. I did this in 2014 and felt incredible for it. Yes I dreamt of eating Percy Pigs accidentally pretty much weekly until the end of the year, but my skin looked great. And my determination and self control led me to achieve some pretty amazing things (including running a half bloody marathon!)

Run more than before. Last year I clocked up 194 kilometres. This year I'm set on pushing past the 200km mark.

What do you resolve to do with this new page?

It comes in waves

After a messy breakup I've taken myself off Facebook. It already seems I've gained days worth of hours simply by not checking it, and evidently it's given me some breathing space to get creative again. Hence, hello again :)

What's new? I moved to Kingston four months ago to start a new job as the trainee manager of Lush. It's been a totally mad few months, but I'm enjoying the challenge. This year has taken me to some really unexpected places (both psychologically and physically) and it's led me to think about where I might end up next year.

I've planned a trip to Bali at the end of March, partly because it's something I've wanted to do for a really long time, and partly because I need to space to breathe and meditate and find my centre of balance again. And I can't really foresee that happening in London! I'm really excited but nervous to go that far away on my own. I'm planning on going to a silent yoga retreat for the first few days, and I also want to learn to surf and explore as much as I can in the short space of time I'm there.

I kind of feel like I'm in free fall at the moment. Everything I thought I knew has changed, and it's pretty terrifying. I know eventually this space in my life will lead to something better, but in the mean time I've just got to keep doing little things to ground me and make me feel good again. Today that came in the form of an impromptu trip down to Brighton.

Sitting on the seafront, watching the waves throw themselves forward, sea salt on my lips again, I felt like me again for the first time in weeks. I miss the sea.