London Marathon 2017

Marathon Goals

1. Don't shit myself
2. Finish the race

(in that order)

I arrive at the race village with plenty of time to relax, pee and eat another banana.
There are so many people, too many people. I find a spot on the grass, put my headphones in, stretch out and enjoy the sunshine. I find a quiet space in my own head and try to find a sense of calm. I'm ready. I've been ready for this for weeks.



Waiting to start. Ant and Dec are commentating the beginning of the race, "There are some good looking ladies running today, let's have a big cheer for them!" Every man, woman and child near me eye-rolls. I've never been prouder of the human race. Absolute jokers.

It takes forever to get out of the starting pens. I knew this would happen but it doesn't do anything to dampen the frustration and excitement. A few messages trickle in on my phone from important people in my life as I wait. Their words are essential to my success, and I savour ever last one of them. I cross the start line at about 10:20am, and that's it. I am doing it. I am running the fucking London marathon!

The first mile slips past so quickly as I settle into my stride, but it's not long before I detour to the portaloos for a quick nervous wee.

It's lovely and sunny today. The showers en route make for the nicest surprise. I run through each and every single one and the cool water makes me feel brand new, for all of about thirty seconds. I find joy in the littlest things: smiling and saying a meaningful 'thank you' to the volunteers handing out water; hi-fiving a small child as I run past; Jungle Boogie coming on shuffle.

There are so many people here and trying to spot people I know is like Where's Wally. I know Mum and Ali will be roughly at mile 8, mile 13 and mile 23 but I'll keep my eyes open just in case. I haven't written my name on my running bib this time. As lonely as this makes me feel during the many other miles, it makes it so much easier to find them when they're near by. I miss them at mile 13 and this really upsets me. My brain gets weird and for a solid two miles I reeeaaalllllly miss my Mum, on the brink of tears like a homesick child. Hey Mama by Kanye West comes on, and I remember that it's not really so bad. I'll see her in a couple of hours!

I drift in and out of the miles mentally in a bizarre day dream. One mile passes, then another. I focus on my breathing, fleeting thoughts, the people. The first TorQ gel is delicious, black forest fruits. The second one, less so. After five I want to vomit. But if I don't eat them I'll definitely hit the wall. I pretend it's medicine to shut my mouth up from complaining because 'A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...' 

When I hit mile 20 I am acutely aware that I have never ever run further than this. No mans land. Who knows what my body will do here? I certainly don't know. I see a sign that makes me laugh, but it's also sound advice, 'NEVER TRUST A FART AFTER MILE 20'. I keep going slowly and steadily, smiling as I run through the pain because Chrissie Wellington (four-time Ironman Triathlon World Champion) told me so in her book. It works a treat up to a point.

Mile 21 and 22 are the hardest by far. I'm so tired. Everything hurts, especially my right hip, and I really want to walk for a bit. I manage to convince myself to keep running, just for one more song. Six or seven 'one more songs' happen before I relent and let myself walk for a bit to stretch out my legs a little. Hard Times by Paramore comes on, and I can't do anything but start running again. It's like when you're in a club and hear a song you know, and can't do anything but run to the dance floor to enjoy it. The sun in shining, everything still hurts, I don't have control over my body, but I do have control over my head. I just have to keep going. One more song.

Nothing in my life has ever felt sweeter, than when I hear my Mum shout my name at mile twenty-four. Her kisses and kindness push me faster and further. Only seconds later I see my old housemates, "Only two more to go Immy!" Josh shouts. This stays with me. This helps. I can do this. Only two more? Easy! I feel totally invincible.

I turn the corner of The Mall towards the final stretch for the last 1000m and one of my favourite songs of all time comes on: Langhorne Slim, The Way We Move. It takes me back to 2013; a party in France. It's the middle of the night. Stars overheard, drinks a plenty. Toby and I are dancing like absolute lunatics in an orange bedouin tent, family and old friends around us celebrating my cousin's marriage. I'm overcome by love. And though we aren't together anymore I feel the weight of that memory like he's there cheering me on. We're dancing and laughing, and nothing beats the encouragement from one of my best friends. I finish with a smile. (I think I am smiling but I can't tell any more. My body feels like it's totally detached from me.)

Five hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-nine seconds, and I'm done.

I catch the tube back towards Greenwich where I'm staying. I climb the stairs slowly, painfully. Every step feels heavy but I've never felt stronger than I do right now, mentally, emotionally or physically. I have to keep saying the words in my head to really believe them. "I ran a marathon. I ran the London marathon!" For days it still won't have sunk in, and even now three weeks later I feel far removed from it. I didn't run the London Marathon; it was someone I knew or knew of, a friend of a friend.

Walking back through the streets of London and I'm smiling like a twat. Like when you find out the boy you fancy likes you back. A big goony grin from ear to ear. The city feels smaller today, a different place to be. Kind strangers come up to me to ask me how I am, shake my hand and congratulate me. I feel a part of this big, mad place and it's wonderful.

Home. I lift each leg into the bath with great effort. I've never heard my knees click so loudly. My pants have chafed a sore red line into my arse. But I know I'll sleep well tonight... because I just ran the fucking London marathon!

For blue skies

Today I went to the beach to clear my mind again. It's amazing how healing the sea can be. I remember in a Rob Bell podcast how he talks about how the salt/water ratio in the sea is similar to that in the womb, and that's why so many people have a sense of affinity with the sea.

2016 is here, unapologetically urging me to make goals and resolutions to be a better me. But as a perfectionist I'm always striving to be a better me. Alas, I still resolve to do this, that and the other on January 1st because I like marking milestones and what better place to start than at the start of the year?

This year will be about mindfulness and self love — something I've always struggled with, but the need for this has become amplified more recently.

2016

Write and meditate in some form or another every single day. These are both activities that make me feel well and keep me on track. In working full time I've made more excuses and written less. Words make me feel like me. Not writing is like a form of self-neglect. I vow to write everyday, because it's important and because I matter. Not everything has been written before (I fucking hate that quote that says it has! It's so uninspiring... ) and my words have great merit, even if only to myself.

Read more than before. 25 books in 2016. Zadie Smith reckons reading is a form of meditation. How often can you sit and read and be fully engrossed in a book and not realise that you've been sat there for hours simply staring at marks of ink on paper, using your imagination to fill in the gaps the author has left for you. It's basically hallucination. More of that please.

Blog weekly. This place will be a testament to that! I'll try my best. Writing in itself is good enough, but writing with some kind of direction requires a bit more effort.

Avoid chocolate/sweets. I did this in 2014 and felt incredible for it. Yes I dreamt of eating Percy Pigs accidentally pretty much weekly until the end of the year, but my skin looked great. And my determination and self control led me to achieve some pretty amazing things (including running a half bloody marathon!)

Run more than before. Last year I clocked up 194 kilometres. This year I'm set on pushing past the 200km mark.

What do you resolve to do with this new page?

Here's to 2015

This year has been bloody amazing. For the most part I've really enjoyed myself, spending quality time with friends and family, doing things that make me happy, and doing a job I value and enjoy 99% of the time. Here's my year in review, and my hopes and idea's for what I'd like 2015 to bring.

2014

This was the best year for gigs, perhaps even better than seeing The Rolling Stones in 2013! I didn't manage to do any festivals, but I did see some fave's I've been trying to see for years. John Butler Trio, Ellie Goulding, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes, Eels. I had tears in my eyes more than once. 

Read all the books I wish I'd been able to read during my degree. This year I definitely made up for lost time & read more of what I wanted to. I also had the epiphany mid-March that I had indeed made the right decision in leaving Uni. I was on the wrong course, and I wasn't getting what I wanted from it, and I am thoroughly enjoying life right now. 

Visited lots of other Lush shops to support, and found it terrifying but so rewarding. I don't push my boundaries an awful lot, so this was a good experience of pushing through nerves and anxiety to go somewhere new and do something different. I also got to see a lot more of the UK thanks to my job including Leeds, Peterborough, York, Birmingham & Manchester. Who knows where 2015 will take me.

Completed Race for Life in record time of 26:55. Very proud moment as all the training paid off.

Went to two wonderful weddings. Both my cousin, and Toby's friend from Uni got married this year so we were lucky enough to go to two very different but very beautiful weddings. It's nice getting to dress up fancy, eat free food and prance around every one in a while.

In September we travelled to Moncayolle in France for Moz and Caroline's big party. Spent a long weekend near the Pyrenees camping, drinking, talking, playing volleyball for 6 hours, laughing & being around people I love. Had a fun birthday - went to the Lush spa in Liverpool for a Sound Bath with my Aunt Selina. 

I organised yoga in the loft at work to escape the Christmas craziness & it was perfect. I really enjoyed it, and it was a wicked bonding exercise. It's a shame it's over, but hopefully we can do it again next year. The lady who taught us, Emily, was such a gem. I've done yoga previously and never had such a kind, gentle, intuitive teacher. She taught us so much about listening to ourselves & our bodies, something I had never really experienced during a yoga class. In six brief weeks she taught me an awful lot about myself & I'm so grateful.

2015

I want to run more than I've ever run before. Obviously completing the half marathon is on my list, but I would love to cumulatively run 260KM as that's only a 5K a week which is definitely achievable if I run consistently. 

Learn BSL for work. I'd love to be able to offer deaf customers the same experience as others in store, and build on the sign language I have already learnt. 

Save up and go travelling in the autumn with Toby. We've talked about this literally since we met, and seeing as it's getting on 5 years I think it's about time we get round to it. We're both in a position to save money and be free enough to travel. I'd love to go to Bali and India, but I guess we'll decide during this year. I can't wait for this one :)

Play the guitar more. Whenever I hear anyone play I wish I spent more time with my fingers on the fretboard, now is as good a time as any to start playing more. 

Read and write more. Again just keeping up consistency much like with playing the guitar and running. It's all about using my free time more wisely to do the things that are important to me. 

What are your goals and ambitions for 2015? Did this past year bring you what you expected?