Feeling small.

So it seems I'm not going to be able to write anything of any value here until I've announced the fact that I feel like a big fat failure. Why can't I write anything interesting? Why do I hate the sound of my own words? Why do I feel the need to write stuff down & seek the approval of others? To be honest the only person who reads this is my Mum, the least judgemental person I know, but every time I've tried to write since March the little creep in my head whispers, "But why would anyone really care what you have to say?"

I've been struggling a lot with 'impostor syndrome' recently.

"Impostor syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence." - google duh. Where else do we get quotes these days? 

Self-esteem is a funny old thing, and something I've always failed to maintain. For the last few months I've been snail-pacing it through the Headspace meditation section entitled 'self-esteem' hoping it will somehow teach me how to like myself. Why should that be such an impossible feat? And you know what, it has helped. That along with weekly yoga practise has left me feeling strong and capable, more days than not.

My adventure to Bali filled me with a real sense of reassurance and self-love like I've never experienced. But since returning to the reality of working and living in London, it's slowly ebbed away. We all have good days and bad days. Maybe today just isn't the best day. But I should still write on my bad days, I should still try. And maybe I'll delete all this in a few days when the better version of myself crawls out of this cave of self-loathing.

Today I've eaten all the carbohydrates I could find in the cupboard, and spent as long as possible either side of work curled up in my pyjamas. It'll do for now.

What do you do when the critical voice in your head is getting the better of you?

Home sweet home (last week in Devon)